Two years ago I posted a piece called Is Your Workplace Socially Toxic? where I talked about how your coworkers play a BIG factor in what kind of experience you have at your Day Job. If you work with people who are cool, laid-back, interested in the same things you are, and have a similar attitude toward work, then congratulations, because you’re in for some smooth sailing.
BUT, if your coworkers are boring, manipulative, gossipy, mean, passive-aggressive, the type to throw you a lot of last-minute deadlines, or some combination of the above, you’re in for a rough ride.
I’m lucky enough in that my coworkers at my Japan job are pretty cool to work with—though I imagine the language barrier helps protect me from most of the negative stuff ;-) The coworkers at my last job were also laid back and easy to work with aside from the boss, and before that I worked from home where my only real coworker interactions were through canned chat messages and the occasional phone call. It feels pretty awesome to be free of the toxic workplaces that used to bring me down when I was younger, so you’d think I’d be living in a carefree wonderland free from passive-aggressive jerks.
It turns out, though, that passive-aggressive jerks are EVERYWHERE, not just at work.
Being Around Shitty People Makes Me Feel Like Shit Too
I hate going to boring parties with people I don’t like, or going to stuffy meetings with people who talk a big game but don’t really know what they’re doing. I also hate trying to make plans with people who blow me off, make promises they can’t keep, or disappear at the critical moment they said they were going to do something. I also hate people who talk too much and never listen, people who find sly ways to put you down so they can look better by comparison, and people who use the phrase, “Yeah I know, right?”
And yeah, the list goes on.
Being around people like this bothers me way more than I’d like it too—maybe because I’m thin-skinned, or maybe because I’m more attuned than most people to these annoying traits and have gotten sick of dealing with them over the years. When I was younger and more naïve, I was either taken in by people like this, or I tended to give them more of a chance, but now I’m better able to recognize who’s worth spending time with and who’s beyond help.
The worst thing about being around shitty people is that it starts to make me feel shitty too. If I go to a party where the people are boring and phony and just want to watch football while drinking Bud Lights and complaining about their property tax bills, at the end of the night I’ll find myself physically exhausted, frustrated, and more disconnected from my goals of becoming a writer and a better person in general.
Even worse, over the long run, being around people who didn’t care about creativity, self-improvement, or exploring cool ideas made me feel like like the things I value weren’t important. Not only did that bother me a lot, it also held me back from pursuing the things I really wanted to do, and that wasn’t cool.
That’s Why I Avoid These Kinds of People If I Can
After a decade or more of being around jerks, I realized that I was about a million times happier when I was either:
- Alone, or
- Surrounded by people I could relate to and who could also relate to me.
So, I started taking more steps to avoid bad situations.
Though I go back and forth sometimes about who I want to be around, I feel like I’ve gotten a lot better at avoiding social gatherings where I know I’m not going to have any fun, or ducking out early if it’s clear I’m not enjoying myself. To some extent, I feel like a lot of people do this (which is why I see so many people leaving parties early), but it took me close to a decade before I realized that I, too, could leave a lame social situation and salvage the time for something more worthwhile, even if it’s just a bit of relaxation.
I’ve also taken steps to avoid these kinds of situations over the long-term: leaving jobs where the atmosphere was bringing me down, ending acquaintanceships that were ultimately unfulfilling, and even moving out of Nebraska (sorry—couldn’t resist a jab at my old stomping grounds!). These were all decisions that required careful long-term planning but were worth it because they led to my spending more of my energy on meaningful relationships instead of bad ones.
But What if I Just Can’t Leave the Jerks Behind?
I get it—you might be stuck in a job where your coworkers are terrible, committed to a lease with a bad roommate, or even have family whose values clash with yours. You might not have the money to move to a new city, or you might be tied to where you live for other reasons.
A lot of these situations aren’t easy to get out of and can make you feel like you’ll be surrounded by the jerks forever.
If you feel trapped for the time being but REALLY don’t want to spend time around these people anymore, consider long-term ways you can make the big split with careful planning: saving money so you can leave the bad job, lining up a new living situation, or finding a more fulfilling social circle. As with any life change, it can only happen if you make it a priority, concoct a plan, and make it happen over the long run.
Final Takeaways
Bad relationships, even with people we don’t see very often, affect us in all kinds of ways. It’s often said that our personalities start to resemble the five people we spend the most time around, so if that’s the case, doesn’t it make sense to surround yourself with people you care about and avoid the ones you don’t?
Finally, if you’re like me and need a lot of time to get your shit done, you’ll also find that solo time is a lot more beneficial than empty social time—trust me ;-)
Cover photo cropped and used under CC 3.0.
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